So how does one salvage a weekend that has seemingly gone straight down the crapper? One goes to a Johnny Depp movie, of course.
Previously on GirlsVersusDrink…I was in St. Louis for a long weekend. The high from Tara and I having immeasurable fun at The City Museum was quickly squashed by the low of my BFF, Godzilla, getting thrown into the clink back home.
How was I going to bounce back from that? I was still talking to Godzilla on a regular basis. I was still crazy worried about the unfortunate situation he'd found himself in and I was having to fight the urge to just throw the towel in on the whole weekend and drag my ass home. But like I mentioned before, Tara and I still had plans. We had to do some housecleaning because more company was coming and Tara had promised Giraffes so I sucked it up, kept the phone close by in case my shoulder was needed to cry on or my witty remarks and Momma Bear attitude were needed to remind Godzilla that it was all going to be okay and that yes we'd get through it!!
Saturday morning came and it was cleaning time. You may not know this, but Tara and Big D are the proud parents of two very
Tempest and Flurry
sweet, precious Shiba Inus. What the hell is a Shiba Inu you ask? Well it is a breed of dog that has so much hair, it is able to shed enough to produce a whole other dog about every two days. I swept, Swiffered and vacuumed up more hair than my Chihuahua has times 5. I'm still amazed at the amount they are able to shed without going bald. But they're wonderful dogs so this little shedding problem is eclipsed by how cute and lovable they are. Tara and I straightened, scrubbed and washed for a few hours. We decided we needed to take a break. We'd both been wanting to see the new Johnny Depp movie, Dark Shadows. I by no means am a movie critic, but just let me say, save yourself the 12 bucks and wait for it to come out at Redbox.
It wasn't a terrible movie, nothing with Johnny Depp ever is, although I did see The Rum Diaries not too long ago and I still don't really know what the hell that thing was about. But Johnny Depp, even as a vampire, is always a good way to get your mind off your troubles so it wasn't a complete waste of time or money. Plus we had popcorn and movie theatre popcorn swimming in that fake butter is always a win.
So after the movie we went back to the house and continued to clean. Tara, who is an AMAZING cook, grilled some chicken breasts and made the most amazing black bean and corn salsa so we ate that and just spent the rest of the evening watching Season 3 of The Big Bang Theory. Thank goodness this day wasn't as stressful as the day prior. I don't think my nerves could have taken it.
Sunday morning. We got up with every intention of going to the Zoo. If you've never been to the St. Louis Zoo, GO! NOW! It's free and it has EVERYTHING with the exception of Panda Bears, but I saw the ones at the National Zoo in DC once and truthfully, they're pretty boring.
It was Mother's Day and I had to spend a few minutes fighting with my youngest kid because, even though Mother's day isn't a big deal in our family, she insisted on telling me I was a crappy mother for spending time with my friend instead of my kids on Mother's Day. I pointed out that I was the MOTHER and it should be MY choice on how I spend MY day. I knew that she had just woken up on the wrong side of the couch and she'd be fine so I didn't really let it bother me that she was being a crab. I dismissed it and started getting ready for my day. Around 11am, we headed out toward the zoo. I was ready to see some Giraffes! 30ish minutes later, we arrived at the Zoo…and DAMN. Apparently EVERYONE in St. Louis had the same idea we'd had. The parking lots were full, the road around the zoo was bumper to bumper and there were people everywhere! Didn't take us long to abandon the zoo plan and we called Ben, Tara's friend, and met him over at Tower Grove Park. We got some drinks at a coffee shop and headed into the
park where we enjoyed the perfect sunny and 75 degree weather while we watched cute boys play league kickball. If you're reading this, and you live in St. Louis, and you're a muscley guy, and you play kickball, and you were playing on Mother's Day, and you were wearing a bright green shirt, YOU'RE HOT AS FISH GREASE AND I KIND OF WANT TO CLIMB YOU LIKE A TREE!
Sorry…I got carried away. After spending an hour or so hanging out in the park talking with Ben and enjoying the view, Tara and I had a craving for Greek food. Ben told us about The Olympia Kebab House and Taverna, which he swore was the best Greek food in STL. So off we went to get our Gyro on. We also enjoyed Saganaki, which if you don't know, is Flaming Cheese. That's right people, it is fried Kasseri cheese that is served in a skillet and the server sets that shit on fire and yells OPA when she lights it. It was kind of fun yelling OPA every time someone ordered it and the stuff is real real good. Have some if you get the chance.
Tara and I sat on the patio and enjoyed our flaming cheese and gyros. Ben was right. This place was amazing. Tara and I were stuffed. I mean to the gills. We headed back towards the house, planning to make a quick stop at a few stores. Tara wanted to try to find an outfit for the following night and we needed to pick up some things from the grocery.
You know how you're having an amazing day and then all of a sudden, things just go terribly wrong? Yeah…that happened to us. Well it happened to me first. We had stopped by Old Navy and while I was milling about looking at peasant tops, I got this pain in my belly. It literally stopped me in my tracks. I don't know how fast I ran, but I know it almost wasn't fast enough. I'm not going to mince words here folks, and if you're sensitive to unpleasant things, just skip ahead a little bit. Ya'll, I blew that bathroom up. I 
don't know what the hell kind of flaming cheese that was but it caused my body to produce something akin to lava. Let's just say, I was ready to get out of that store before someone fingered me as the person who did that to the bathroom. Tara quickly made her purchases and we headed out. I was feeling a bit better so we jumped in the car and headed on over to the grocery store. Somewhere between the parking lot of Old Navy and Deirbergs, it hit me again. I literally broke out into a sweat. I could hear my stomach rumbling. This was not good. Tara asked me if I just wanted to go home. I told her I'd be fine as long as the grocery store had a shitter. I figured that would be the best plan of action because Tara's house was still another 20 minutes away. As we pulled into the parking lot, I looked over at Tara and she's got a look on her face that if I had to guess, was exactly the look I had on my face in Old Navy. We got out of the car and damn near sprinted into the store.
Now, I don't know at what level your friendship needs to be on to go into a two stall bathroom with flaming cheese and lamb trying to escape your body with the intensity of Mt. Vesuvius, but Tara and I are apparently at the level of our friendship to where we did it and could laugh about it. You can't just sit in a stall and play dueling butt trumpets with just anyone. I'm not telling you this to gross you out, I'm trying to paint a picture of how bad we felt and how quickly it happened. As much as I love Tara, and as comfortable I am with her, I would not normally be willing to share such a confined space with another human being with the violent stuff going on out back, if you know what I mean. We were hurting ya'll. The last time I had the backdoor trots like this, I'm sure I was poisoned by a sketchy burrito from the Taco Tico in Texarkana, TX. That was a trip I'd just rather forget.
We had to grab a few things from the grocery store and thankfully Tara has a lead foot because we hauled ass home before it hit us again. We both went in, took care of business and laid down. We were beat…from the inside out. Flaming cheese and lamb meat takes it out of you…literally. By 10ish that night, I felt like I could eat something again. I decided on a leftover MexiMelt from Taco Bell. Yeah…I'm not known for always making smart decisions.
So enough of the unpleasantness. It was bed time. We had a big day ahead. Giraffes and Bobby Long!!
I'm not 100% sure you can say that we had salvaged the weekend from the crapper at this point, literally AND figuratively speaking, but at least no one else ended up in the pokey.
Tune in next time to read about shark attacks and Steve Winwood.
Disclaimer: Tara disavows that any of this took place. I told her I would include in this post that she denies it and that I am a sick individual for mentioning it to anyone. I think she's just blocked it out…but who could blame her?
~PurrrSnickety 
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