Well, for one thing, if a magazine had brains, then we'd be living in some sort of Tim Burton movie because that seems like the only place where something that bizarre would happen. And Johnny Depp would be rocking black eyeliner and prancing around in a fey manner that would make Truman Capote jealous and RuPaul proud, and the rest us roll our eyes. We get it, Johnny, you're pretend weird. Unfortunately, what isn't pretend is what trifling Hustler magazine published last week:
"What Would S.E. Cupp Look Like With a Dick in Her Mouth?" To quote actress Denise Richards (that's a first) and the title of her failed reality TV series, Life's Complicated, so thank you, Hustler magazine for doing the real gritty investigative work that The Economist is too scurred to do and answering one of life's most difficult questions that's been keeping most Americans up at night. Seriously, Hustler, what the hell is wrong with you?!?! This is how you react when confronted with a woman who expresses an opinion you don't agree with? "YOU KNOW HOW THIS SEXY LIBRARIAN BITCH SAYS WORDS OUT HER MOUTH HOLE THAT WE DON'T LIKE. WOULDN'T IT BE COOL IF – WAIT FOR IT – DICKS WENT INTO HER MOUTH? CUZ IF YOU'RE SUCKING ON DICKS, YOU CAN'T SPEAK AND IF YOU CAN'T SPEAK, THEN OUR VIEWS ABOUT THE WORLD CAN NEVER BE CHALLENGED." Look, if every time someone said something I didn't like I photoshopped a dick into their mouth, I'd have like -3 friends, a contentious relationship with every single person in Cablevision's customer service department, and during puberty, every picture of my parents would have been defaced. I love you, Mom & Dad; I'm just saying if I were a bigger a-hole during my teenage years and had a working knowledge of photoshop…
But back to the matter at hand. Here's a little background for those not particularly familiar with S.E. Cupp. She's a political pundit who has appeared on Real Time With Bill Maher, is an author, and most importantly, a conservative, who has been very vocal about supporting the defunding of Planned Parenthood and being pro-life. So in reaction to her being one of MANY people who support defunding PP, Hustler saw fit to put her (an attractive woman) in her place with this disgraceful, vile picture, which is a typical tactic used by misogynists to discredit an outspoken woman immediately by reducing her to nothing more than a cum dumpster. Although, I will say it was a classy touch (not really) to add the disclaimer that the picture was doctored, just in case anyone would be confused and think that S.E. Cupp would have a dick in her mouth while still wearing a patterned shirt from Banana Republic. I mean, come on, she's a slut, so she would totally have her opinionated, slutty body exposed when engaging in slutivites (that's a combination of slut activities). Am I right? I suppose putting that disclaimer there should make S.E. Cupp feel like this about the situation:
Instead of like this:
Let me be clear: I don't agree with a lot of Cupp's politics and like Hustler, I certainly don't agree with her stance on defunding of Planned Parenthood. That will do more harm than good and the argument that the state and federal funding of PP, which goes towards breast cancer screenings, STD testing and treatment, pap smears, maternity care and other medical services for low-income and uninsured patients will indirectly go to abortions is a very flimsy argument. Abortions make up less than three percent of the services PP performs and legally speaking PP cannot use state and federal funding for such services. Yet those in support of the defunding behave as though PP is an abortion factory and the PP doctors just can't keep up with the amount of women just lining up on a conveyor belt to get their abortions a la the way Lucy in I Love Lucy couldn't handle the chocolates at the chocolate factory:
Yet, because I don't agree with Cupp, I'm not going to degrade her. I support her right to express her ideas, however boneheaded they may be, because that is one of the perks Yet, that is a constant refrain in the media, especially if the woman is attractive. Let's sexualize this woman because if we can do that, then we can make her point of view invalid. There are many people (Karen Handel, the VP of the Susan G. Komen for the cure) who are in support of defunding Planned Parenthood, yet S.E. Cupp, who has zero power to enforce defunding of any kind, is the one Hustler chose to target. Why is that? After all, Handel did get Komen, for a short time to pull funding, but I can't seem to find one degrading dick in mouth photo of either of those women. Maybe it's because they look like the type of women who take crocheting sweaters seriously and having dicks in their mouths less seriously. And as we all know, you should take having dicks in your mouths seriously because that's why we – wait for it – call it a job. Boom! You guys can't see this, but I'm in my living room and totally just dropped the mic (or in this case, a remote control) Chris Rock style and turned on Jay Z's Empire State of Mind as my walk off music to the kitchen to eat Cheez-its over my sink. Jealous?
But in all seriousness, the real issue isn't about someone defunding PP, but that it's tough to jerk off to a hot woman you don't agree with. And isn't that the real tragedy, Hustler? That a woman you want to bang has a completely different outlook than you and isn't afraid be vocal about it. I guess if Blaria really takes off and I write something that a misogynist doesn't agree with, should I then expect to have my Blaria logo doctored so that a dick is sticking out of my afro instead of an afro pick? Golly gee, a girl can only hope. Sidenote: You see that sly way I just called myself attractive?
Anyway, I know Hustler magazine's whole schtick is being trifling as hell, but I still expect better. Cupp is an educated and accomplished woman who frequently discusses politics in the media. She should be treated with the respect that's afforded men who have the same job as her. So these attacks need to stop. Women shouldn't be harassed and bullied into not expressing their point of view. Can I get a:
Oh, by the way, where are the liberal women in the media expressing outrage? If this happened to a liberal woman, e'erybody in the media would be taking off their earrings and Vaseline'ing up their faces to fight a mofo. But because Cupp is a conservative we're going to treat what happened to her like how we treat awkward holiday dinners? Just quietly nibble on our honey glazed ham and close our eyes so we can mentally go to our happy place, which is just a land full of honey glazed ham. That ain't right, ladies. Because guess what? Misogynists don't particularly care for conservative or liberal women. Hello, Rush Limbaugh did call Sandra Fluke a "slut" for using birth control. So liberal women, quit fooling yourself into thinking you're not like "other conservative women." In the eyes of vajayjay haters, you have the parts, so you're just one opinion away from a dick in the mouth. So regulators, or in this case all women, mount the fuck up and let's demand that this trifling behavior by Hustler and other media outlets stop.
*Special shout to Blaria reader Kim Fortin for emailing me about this fiasco. Thanks for bringing it to my attention. Hope my take down of Hustler makes you proud! xoxo
Bird is the word. So spread that bird, y'all!
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Tags: Hustler Magazine, Misogyny, Politics, S.E. Cupp, Women
