Yes, I cover a lot of bad movies. And yes, I make fun of them. But I don’t like to think of myself as someone who just tears down the work of others, or some wisenheimer who just sits back mouthing off in the cheap seats. No, I like to think of myself as something more akin to a life coach for filmmakers. A very, very critical life coach.
Cuz I’m coming up with ideas of how to improve things all the time. Remember that time I rattled off all those movies that would be better if they had a car chase in them? Solid gold right there.
And I have more ideas than that. Boy howdy, do I have ideas! Tons of ideas! Example: Why not make chicken and waffles for dinner? You know you totally can, you just never do.
Go for it — nothing’s stopping you.
Bringing it back to movies, I was going about my business the other day when I began to contemplate one of the greatest movie clichés of all…
That’s right: The Slow Clap, the mainstay of any heart-warming moment. And yet, you may be surprised to learn that the vast majority of movies do not include a slow clap. Shocking, I know. But I’m about to fix that with my list of
TOP EIGHT MOVIES THAT WOULD BE BETTER WITH A SLOW CLAP
[Spoilers ahoy!]
#8 – HOME ALONE
Eight-year-old Kevin has just spent the evening unleashing cartoonish hell on a pair of bumbling (and supernaturally durable) crooks. Quickly running out of paint cans to hit the crooks in the head with, Kevin makes use of an old movie to “call all cars” to his current location. The crooks chase little Kevin outside to the front yard… where the full force of the blue line is waiting!
“These are the Wet Bandits!” Kevin announces in triumph. “Arrest them!”
The cops are stunned. The very bandits they’ve spent hours and hours of manpower trying to apprehend, collared by a kid! Then, a lone clap from a beat cop (cameo by Michael McKean) cuts the silence. His claps are joined by a few others, and then a few more… and then the music swells! Even the Wet Bandits are clapping, because damn, that kid is good!
#7 – THE NATURAL
It’s the last game of the pennant, and the Knights are trailing the Pirates. Old Man Hobbs is up to bat – but his old gunshot wound is ailing him! Strike one! Strike two! On the next pitch, Hobbs shatters the mythical bat! Jinkies!
And that’s when the bad boy hands Hobbs the “Savory Special,” which is a terrible name for anything other than a platter at a steakhouse. Hobbs grits his teeth, and hammers the shit out of the ball! He fires the ball directly into the field lights, making them explode like a fireworks display. The capacity crowd is stunned silent, as this is the craziest, most improbably damn thing they’ve ever seen.
Then, a lone clap from a left field cuts the silence. Those claps are joined by a few others, and then a few more… and then the music swells! The crowd is on its feet, and then there’s a U.S.A. chant! Apple pie for everyone!
#6 – THE AVENGERS
It started off as a day like any other day in The Big Apple. But then, aliens! Thousands of nameless, faceless aliens are zipping around on their alien air chariots, causing millions of dollars in real estate damage. To counter this invasion, we have… a half dozen people in funny costumes! One is a gymnast with a shield, and another is using the best projectile weapon the Mesolithic era had to offer!
Somehow our half-dozen warriors defeat the entire army, and the stunned survivors of New York City can only gawk silently at the improbability of it all. Then, a lone clap from an old guy (Stan Lee) cuts the silence. His claps are joined by a few others, and then a few more… and then the music swells! The day is saved! Let’s get some shawarma!
The taste of victory.
#5 – HENRY V
The burdens of leading an army to war weighs heavy on the shoulders of young King Henry V. Sure, the whole war was kicked off because a French duke gave Henry a chest-full of tennis balls, but it’s France and f’ those guys!
But now, the morning of the battle and outnumbered five to one, the whole “invade France” thing isn’t looking so great. Left with no choice, Henry improvises one of the greatest speeches ever given, one that will be mimicked in countless films. And when Henry is done “we few, we happy few”-ing, he is met with stony silence… partially because his troops are still pants-shittingly terrified about being outnumbered, and partially because even they can’t follow all the Shakespearian language.
Just when it looks like the troops will leave their king hanging, a lone clap cuts the silence. It’s Falstaff! He isn’t supposed to be here, but he’s a fan-favorite, so screw it! His claps are joined by a few others, and then a few more… and then the music swells! Huzzah! Off to war!
#4 – DIE HARD
John McClane has just endured an evening full of bullets, bank robbers, broken glass and stale Twinkies, and now he and his estranged wife have had blankets thrown over their shoulders by the world’s laziest EMTs. McClane finally meets Sgt. Al Powell in person, and they share a moment.
But look out! Karl is still alive, jumping out of nowhere and turning in sloooow moootion to finally get his revenge when BLAM BLAM BLAM! Powell shoots the bejesus out of Karl!
The enormous crowd – the cops, the media, the bystanders – all look on in stunned silence. Even Powell is stunned by his actions. Then, a lone clap cuts the silence. It’s McClane! His claps are joined by a few others, and then a few more… and then the music swells! Merry Christmas everyone!
#3 – JACK AND JILL
Because just about anything would improve that piece of crap.
#2 – A NIGHTMARE ON ELM STREET
The residents of Elm Street have been terrorized by Freddy Kreuger for weeks, but now spunky teen Nancy has a plan! She pulls an all-nighter and then heads to school, where she immediately dozes off in her calculus class because that stuff is mad boring. Freddy chases Nancy throughout her dreamscape, but just as the bell rings for the end of class, she grabs on to him!
This drags Freddy into the real world, where he’s suddenly surrounded by 20-something teenagers who have all lost someone they care about to the madman. “We’re not afraid of you here!” Nancy yells, followed by “This is for killing my boyfriend, Johnny Frickin’ Depp!” and a swift kick to the nuts. Soon all the students join in, beating the crap out of Freddy.
Oh, how the tables have turned. “Stop hitting mmeeeeeee!” the now powerless Freddy yells, ultimately jumping through the classroom window and falling six stories to his death, because it’s a movie and high schools can have six floors in movies. The student body all look on in silence, some thinking about the loved ones they lost, others thinking about the fragility of life, and others still wondering what’s for lunch.
Then, a lone clap from a student cuts the silence. His claps are joined by a few others, and then a few more… and then the music swells! Freddy is dead! Chicken nuggets and tater tots for everyone!
#1 – CASABLANCA
Renault was convinced that Rick was setting up Laszlo to be arrested at the airport so Rick and Laszlo’s wife, Ilsa, could run off to America. But Rick had other ideas. As Renault and his squad of officers arrived at the scene, Rick held them off at gunpoint so Laszlo could fly out of Casablanca.
The cops are even more stunned when Rick makes Isla board the plane with Laszlo. She pleads with Rick, but Rick insists. His voice full of determined heartache, Rick explains that she would regret staying with him, “maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow, but soon and for the rest of your life.” Tearfully, she boards the plane, and soon all that can be heard is the distant whirl of the plane’s engine. And then silence, as Rick watches the plane disappear into the night.
Then, a lone clap cuts the silence. It’s Renault! And he’s crying! He may be a dirty cop, but he’s French dammit! His claps are joined by a few other cops, and then a few more… and then “As Time Goes By” swells! And then that one Nazi guy shows up, but they all shoot him, because screw the Nazis! This really is the beginning of a beautiful friendship!
You know, there’s only one way to end a piece like this:
Source:
http://ift.tt/1ezLZOI