It's your April Third Davey Mac Sports Report and Kentucky is on top of the world. The state that gave us such great sports icons as Boxing Champion Muhammad Ali, NFL Champion Paul Hornung, 21 Jump Street Champion Johnny Depp, LSD-And-Firearms Champion Hunter S. Thompson, Naked-Prisoner-And-Pointing Champion Lynndie England, and Homemade-Swastika-On-The-Forehead Champion Charles Manson, has now given us our college basketball champion- and it be Kentucky University, homie. They picked up Kansas and spanked them as if the Jayhawks were a little red-headed idiot named Davey Mac who once tried to feed the family dog a twenty-dollar bill. What? She looked hungry, Mom!!! I, for one, am happy that Kansas is gone. Now if we can only get rid of Journey, the Dave Man will be happier than watching his dad take a plunger to the family dog's mouth in hopes of extracting the twenty!!! Ha!! You'll never get it out, Daddy!!! But if you do, can you see if you can extract one of my G.I. Joe's while you're at it, specifically Snake Eyes, 'cause I shoved that little ninja-operative down the dog's throat on Easter Sunday!!!!!
Meanwhile, sleazy Kentucky coach John Calipari has finally gotten his ring. Every time I see Calipari, I am reminded of another slick basketball coach- Larry Dallas of Santa Barbara University. Of course you know that Larry won two championships in the Regal Beagle Conference; that he was the three-time winner of the Hide-Jack-From-The-Ropers Award; and that he once "tag-teamed Terri with Mr. Furley." But you may not realize that Larry once threatened Jack's sous chef, Felipe, with deportation if Felipe didn't give Larry a vile of sperm. The reason…is still a mystery…
Double meanwhile, one person was shot and dozens were arrested in Lexington in the aftermath of Kentucky's win. I never understand why people riot when their team wins. It makes no sense to me. Now, if you had just lost a championship, the way my recreation basketball team of Spring Lake lost to those cheating shit-bags of Sea Girt in 1987, mainly because their two, spazmatic, retarded behemoths that they called "power forwards" never got one God-Damned foul called on them, THEN you'd have reason to be pissed!!! I mean, on what planet is a fat kid hitting a hard-driving, red-headed lefty in the nose NOT a fucking foul?!?!?! This isn't Rucker Park in Harlem, Refs!!! This is pussy-white-boy-rec-basketball!!!! Call the fucking foul, you crooked bastards!!!! Fuck it! Let's burn Sea Girt to the fucking crowd!!! Make sure we start the fires at Bill Parcells' house as a fucking lesson!!!!!
The Davey Mac Player of the Day goes to Kentucky's Anthony Davis, the College Player of the Year, who also won the MVP in his team's win last night. The odd-looking Davis said after the game: "My goal is to someday eclipse Squilliam Fancyson. My arms are officially longer than his. And let's face it, I'm giving him a run for his money the unibrow department. Once I am able to breathe underwater, I'll fucking own him!!! You hear me, Squilliam?!?! I'm comin' after you, dawg!!! I'm even turning blue as we speak!!! Muhahahahaha!!!!"
Because I'm going to the Bruce concert tonight, there will be no Sports Report on Wednesday! However, we WILL be doing the Davey Mac Sports Program on Wednesday evening, LIVE, at 7 PM (EST) on Ustream as always!!! See ya Wednesday night!! Peace!!
-Dave (4/3/12)
