In the winter of 1991 (which is odd, because I remember it being spring/summer), NBC revived Dark Shadows.
Unbeknownst to them, a 9 year old discovered it, as did one of her best pals at school. (Hi, Matt Miller, wherever you are.) They talked about it endlessly while swinging on the swing set at the back of the school playground. And while she can't speak for young Mr. Miller, this particular 9 year old liked it because it felt so forbidden. It was lush, spooky, and sexy. Barnabas Collins was a hunk in knee-breeches, and while she wasn't exactly into boys yet, he was what she wanted, and the stuff of a thousand romantic fantasies.
This 9 year old also got strep throat that year, and the nurse's assistant who took her throat culture looked a lot like Collins, and that should have made her feel better somehow, but didn't. It was kind of mortifying.
The show (which seems to have run forever in her mind, but only lasted a season) ended on a cliffhanger, which she and Miller discussed endlessly before something (possibly Star Trek: The Next Generation, or maybe even Batman Returns) drove it from their minds. She remembers they also discovered Frankenstein and Bride of Frankenstein in there somewhere, and may have simply swapped one Gothic horror saga for another.
(Seriously, Matt Miller, where are you? We should still be friends!)
Fast forward a shocking number of years, and this 9 year old is now facing down 30 when Tim Burton announces that he and Johnny Depp are going to make a Dark Shadows movie. Apparently, this fulfills a lifelong dream for Depp.
Memories of that brief, halcyon flirtation with Gothic horror and hunks in knee-breeches come flooding back. For some reason, this girl is convinced Depp and Burton will go the dark and sensual route (a'la Sleepy Hollow or even Sweeney Todd) and adapt the Dark Shadows she always wanted a conclusive take on. And then comes the news that they're actually adapting the 1960s-1970s original, and infusing it with winks, nods, and loads of campy humor.
On March 15, 2012 the trailer for this Dark Shadows hits, and this 30 year old watches it.
Of course, I am that 30 year old (I know, a thin ruse, but let's pretend the fiction worked) and I have to say, my life has forever been changed by that trailer. Not only does it completely shatter my 1990s memory of Dark Shadows, but it makes me never, ever want to see or talk about anything Dark Shadows related again. (Some people really dig the trailer. If you're one of them, it's cool, this is all about me.)
Moreover, Burton's Dark Shadows has instantly cured me of any fondness I retained for Johnny Depp. I'm fighting against the overwhelming urge to retroactively hate everything he's ever made. His affected voice, his cheekbones, his pancake makeup and his slapstick humor have hit a point of saturation that spills over and taints all of his characters. Barnabas Collins looks like Sweeney Todd who looks like Jack Sparrow who looks like Ichabod Crane until Depp looks less like a solid actor, and more like a one-trick pony who fooled us with good make-up. (I still think he is a good actor, but he's working awfully hard to disabuse that notion.)
The Dark Shadows trailer has also done what Twilight and all its hype could not: It's finally killed vampires for me. Look, I held out, primarily because of True Blood, but if I never see a pair of fangs on a beefcake again, it will still be too soon.
But perhaps worst of all is that Depp-as-Collins looks so darn handsome in his Collins portrait (the trailer turns to it once or twice) that it stirs up those 18th century romantic fantasies I still have, only to dash them as soon as Depp-as-Collins actually appears onscreen. The result is that I now loathe cravats and knee breeches, and will have to throw away my entire BBC costume drama collection. Sorry, Richard Armitage and Toby Stephens. Now you just look like vaudeville Depp, and besides, it won't be long before he decides to play John Thornton or Edward Rochester in the same style, this fulfilling some other dream he has.
An entire taste section of my brain has been killed off. Farewell, Gothic horror. Bye bye, sexy vampires. So long, fascination with 18th and 19th century trappings. And that's the final nail in the coffin for badass witches, too, because they can't survive as scary once Nic Cage and Tim Burton have both had their way with them.
At least I still have knights. And Vikings. And kilts. And gunslingers. Depp and Burton haven't covered those in white greasepaint yet … that is, until Burton takes over for Gore Verbinski on The Lone Ranger 2 or Depp decides he wants to remake Kidnapped or Braveheart. I best start preparing my soul now.
Tags:
Barnabas Collins,
Dark Shadows,
johnny depp 